7 Things You Should Know Before Reading This Blog

This serves as my disclaimer from here till the end of time (which I have been told is next Wednesday).  I just do not want anyone to have unrealistic expectations about who I am and what is going on here.  So for the sake of utter clarity I felt the need to offer the following list.

1. My tongue is permanently sewn to my cheek.  This means please do not take anything I say seriously because I sure as hell don't. (Any statement about my lack of sincerity or concern always excludes food.  I care deeply about food...deeply.)  If you deem it appropriate to set my blog afire with your discontent, rest assured that I will not take you seriously either.
2. I adore my family, and I kid because I love.  And because they often do the most entertaining crap which I feel must be shared with the world.  I mean...laughing alone sucks, right?
3. I use words like 'Epic', 'Awesome', 'Fail', and 'Suck' like they are going out of style.  Embrace them or GTFO. (For definitions of my slang, please consult urbandictionary.com....often.)
4. I am not a professional...anything.  Please do not consider anything on my blog advice of that nature.  I do what works for me, I do what I have been taught, but ultimately you must use your best judgment.  I freely admit that I do not know everything. (Please don't tell my husband)
5. I don't give a damn. Seriously, I don't. About politics, race, religion, sexual preference, age, planetary affiliation, underpant usage...none of it.  I have opinions about all of the above but they do not have a place on this blog.  I might (read: will) rag on the state of parenting in this country, or the crappy food people eat.  If that offends you well... I don't give a damn.
6. I use an excessive amount of ellipses, commas and parenthesis.  I like them.... that is all.
7. 'Light' and 'Diet' will not make frequent appearances on this blog.  My recipes are full on fat and sugar but please...exercise restraint and discretion.