Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Resist The Urge To Be That Guy

At one point in my life I oggled recipe sites like teenage boys oggle porn.  I fantasized about long moments with these dishes, how they would tickle my senses and ultimately leave me with a deep sense of satisfaction.  Most of the time they did, especially if I followed the advice of those who had come before me.  The war weary culinary veterans who had fought the battle, who had dirtied pots, pans and hands.  Those who had come out sated or disappointed on the other side.

Unfortunately, as anyone who has looked at a recipe site can attest to, there are often reviews that are utterly insipid and petulant.  If I ever start to have faith in the intelligence of my fellow human beings all I need do is
peruse these reviews (or go to Walmart) to realize that my faith has been utterly misplaced.  It is astounding how many ratings begin with a litany of changes (often unnecessary) and end with a full on bashing.  If you look at the recipe I posted last week, though it was done in jest, that comment was spot on...

Kris said...
Hello. So... I used chicken instead of tuna. and whole wheat pasta elbows. (Hey, DH bought those in a health-food moment.) and I put the pepper and onion and then I added garlic and then I got carried away and added oregano and thyme and .. something else, can't remember what, but it smells good, and then I got buck wild and added a can of what I thought were going to be green peas but they were green beans oops and then I added some mixed vegetables which I think was a mistake because they have potatoes in 'em and seriously, that was unnecessary, but whatever, and I didn't have the white chedder or jack cheese but I did have a big ol' block of mild yellow cheddar so I set Thing 1 to shredding that, and I didn't have corn flakes, so I used squished up whole wheat saltines, and I didn't have a 9x12 so I used a casserole instead...

 The only thing missing from this was a one star rating and a line at the end blaming me for posting a lousy recipe. People please. Please. I am going to say this as gently as I can; do not blame others for your utter stupidity. You suck at cooking (possibly at life), you suck at reviewing, and you should find a hobby away from the computer because I am pretty sure you suck at that too. Also, if you have children I pity and completely absolve them of any responsibility for their moronic behavior. They simply can not help themselves. Nurture and nature are working against them, and it is your fault. Poor little darlings. Ah, I digress. What was I talking about? Oh, stupid reviews. Right.

Constructive criticism is helpful and often welcome. It enables other home chefys to know what they are getting into and avoid pitfalls. However, try the fricken recipe as is and then judge it AS IS. After the first five ingredient changes, you have gone off the rails and you need to own it. Own it. If the dish sucks, you made it suck. Own that too. If it rocks? Write it up, give credit to your inspiration, and prepare for at least one inane review from the masses. Should you be the inane reviewer, read this and receive it... I will clown you...hard. To everyone else? Please feel free to leave comments, improvements or alternatives. As I have stated before, I love constructive criticism, I think it makes the world a better place.


  1. i'm offended, because my sweet dumpling of a teenage boy would never, ever look at any picture of anything that would upset his mama, much less ogle porn.

    wait... what?


    ok. ahem. well, also, your recipes officially are wonderful. I can say this with complete authority and honesty, because I have eaten your food as prepared by you your very own self in your very own kitchen. so, if you encounter haters, they aren't me. the haters don't have the good sense god gave lettuce.

    I do however suspect I may succomb occasionally to the urge to give you a slightly hard time, just to keep you humble, now that you are about to be famous on the interwebs.


  2. ditto!! plus i don't want you to think that you are always right :)

  3. It's one thing to doctor a recipe...that's what cooks DO. It's another thing entirely to annihilate a recipe and render it unrecognizable and inedible...and then misplace the blame. Silly rabbits.

  4. Kris: If this is an attempt to get me to cancel the poo bag delivery, it is too late.

    Nic: I apparently need to update my 'seven things' post to include "When in doubt, I am always right."

    V: Amen, sister! People do it all the time. "I used whole wheat flour instead of bread flour, cut the amount of salt in half, used raisins instead of plums..." with no regard for how their changes alter things like liquid ratio. I read a lot of bread recipes and people like to substitute whole wheat flour then complain because the dough is too dry. When using whole wheat flour you typically have to add more water, but clearly the recipe writer should have planned for this eventuality, right?

  5. Damn. Well, it was worth a try.